5 phrases of a better apology : beyond the words “I’m Sorry”

March 27, 2015

My husband almost broke up with me while we were dating.  It was after playing the game ‘Sorry’- because he didn’t think I was sorry when I said “Sorry”.

He was probably right, we are very competitive and I was likely happy I was winning and not sorry at all.🙂

Fast forward through the wedding and pregnancies……

For years, I would tell my kids that they had to say sorry when they hit or called names or wrecked towers.  Usually, they threw a quick “sorry” into the general direction of the offended one and off we went to another interaction.

I progressed to the point where I would tell them they had to say sorry, but not until they really meant it. This, however, left the offended one invalidated and the offender off the hook because let’s face it they (and I) would forget.

As they got older I would make them tell the offended “sorry” and what they were sorry for.  This worked for us at the time.

But then my dear friend (everyone needs a Laura Sonderegger in their life) gave me an article on how to say sorry. I made a few changes to suit what I wanted to see and came up with these results. For the origional exceptional article click here.

Here is what I gained from it and how I have taught my children how to say sorry to get beyond the words.

How to Apologize

Step 1.  Say: “I am sorry for…….”  (this is where you get specific about your part, apologizing for the specific thing you felt was wrong)

Step 2.  “It was wrong because……..” (telling the offended why it was wrong is very validating, it also helps the offender examine why their actions were wrong)

Step 3.  “Next time I will……..” (isn’t this wonderful? It allows the offender to explore what they could do differently in the future and for the offended one to see that the offender is trying to make room for improvement)

Step 4.  “Is there anything I can do to make it better” (this allows for reparations as suggested by the offended, sometimes it is nothing, sometimes a hug, or maybe payment for something broken)

Step 5.  “Will you please forgive me?” (this allows the offended to decide if they are ready to forgive, it gives the offender the opportunity to hear they are forgiven, which is powerful. Sometimes, time and thought are needed before an apology is truly accepted)

So we had a family lesson on the above steps where we role-played different situations.

After role playing, whenever a sorry is due I usually help walk them through the steps.

Sometimes I have to help them see why it was wrong to …take away something from their brother… hit the dog (yes we do this for the pets too)

Sometimes I have to help them with ways they could do it differently, but I give them a chance to try to come up with their own solution first.

I think this is an amazing way to really think about what was done.

Sometimes processing things verbally on the spot helps you realize the other person’s point of view, and validate the other person. It gives a vision to the offender of what they could do differently next time to avoid the same offense, and it leaves the door open for reparations and gives both the offender and offended an opportunity for closure.

Of course I have mentioned small offenses here, but the same steps work for large ones!  It is amazing how many times I have implemented this process in my marriage (I don’t usually say it so rote, but I make sure I include all the steps).

What to say when someone apologizes

If someone does say sorry don’t say “It’s okay”.

STOP SAYING IT’S OKAY

It isn’t okay.  Someone has wronged you whether large or small, saying ‘it’s okay’ diminishes what they did, which isn’t fair to you, or it diminishes their apology, and makes light of it.

It gives the offender permission to do it again if it was “okay”

Here are some things you can say instead. These could be in an order of severity of the original offense…….

“Thank you for apologizing.”

“I forgive you.”

“Thank you for apologizing, I need to think about what you said before I can respond.”

 

 

Post navigation

← Teaching 4 1/2 easy steps for following direction.

Dropping the Ball →